When Murder Is Not An Option

Raise your hand if there are days you are convinced that you’re married to a raging lunatic? For the record: I am not raising my hand. <<exaggerated double wink>>

Okay, you may put your hands down now. 

This post isn’t about Prince Charming or Snow White.  This post is all about telling the ugly truth.  Marriage isn’t always beautiful.  Sex isn’t always romantic.  Conversations aren’t always flowing.  Marriages can more often resemble a Steven King novel than a Nicholas Sparks “novel". 

Heather and I are no different.  We’re sixteen years into this proverbial roller coaster ride and we’re still holding on for dear life.  We have bad days just like everyone else (blame her), but we find our way through it (thank me).  But early on in our relationship, we set some boundaries:  no storming out, no slamming doors, divorce is not an option, murder is off of the table. (this last one was more of an implied boundary)

So, if you ever find yourself married to another human, here are some ways I suggest you stay alive:

• Admit when you’re just in a terrible mood.  I call this the rattlesnake principle.  It's all about warning your spouse that you’re dangerous to be around right now.  It’s okay to say, “I’m in a bad mood today.  I don’t have any rationalization for this.  I just need some space.  Let me be grumpy.” 

• When you fight, fight fair.  Every form of fighting - from boxing to wrastlin’ to middle-school hallway shoving – has some sort of rules: no shots below the belt, no eye gauging, no yo’ mama jokes.  So, why is it that we take the gloves off when we argue in our marriages?  Come on, people, we’re not savages!  Establish some guidelines and fight fair.  Don’t call names (that’s hurtful), don’t scream at each other (that’s abusive), don’t bring up the fact that you had a higher S.A.T. score (Heather, I really hope you’re reading this).

• Do something fun.  This entire post is all about being practical, so we’re avoiding ethereal words like lover, soul mate, and kindred spirit.  But practical doesn’t mean boooooooring.  Your spouse isn’t your business partner.   Live a little.  Go for a drive, grab a coffee, get away, rent a movie, flirt, make out…do something.  What can you do today that you’ll smile about tomorrow?

• Don’t make every battle a war.  Sometimes an argument is just an argument.  Avoid using the words never and always.  Stay on topic.  What is THIS fight about?  Don’t let this argument become an argument about everything that you’ve ever been mad about.  He forgot your birthday in 2003.  It’s over.  Let it go.  She threw away your lucky underwear last summer.  You can’t get it back.  Mourn and move on. 

• Don’t take everything so seriously.  You love to laugh at the arguments and idiosyncrasies of cute couples on your favorite sitcom, so why can’t you laugh at your own arguments and idiosyncrasies?  Couples disagree - try laughing at yourselves when you’re doing it.  It’s just an argument.  CNN isn't broadcasting your debate; you don't have to win.  Breathe...relax...laugh.

Okay, the word count is climbing so I'll stop for now.  I hope some of that helps.

Good luck, my fellow marrieds.  Our endeavor is not for the faint of heart.  Keep your head on a swivel and just stay alive out there.  (Pause for dramatic effect and repeat in a whisper...) Just stay alive.